Political Promise

The Nick and Dave Show

In Uncategorized on June 2, 2010 at 9:41 am

By Dan McCormick

I think it's called 'bromance'...

The worlds of media and politics have a rather fraught relationship at the best of times. Just ask Alistair Campbell and Adam Boulton. But with new politics smashing down the old tensions and divisions, should the likes of Lorraine Kelly and Christine Bleakley be a little worried?

The Nick and Dave show. A new prime time magazine/chat show for ITV.

Premise:

Nick Clegg and David Cameron will present an informal, relaxed new kind of chat show for ITV. In a distinct departure from ‘the old chat shows’ this new format will combine special interest stories, celebrity interviews and viewer competitions. It has been stipulated that, although it in no way reflects the harmonious nature of their governmental work, Nick must always stand a foot behind Dave and talk at a much slower speed. In a high pitched voice.

One feature that is sure to capture the nations hearts is ‘Clarke Cable’. Ken Clarke and Vince Cable do impressions of famous persons (naturally beginning with Clark Gable) and are then judged by a mock Britain’s got talent panel. George Osborne will play the role of Piers Morgan, Caroline Flint will do her best Amanda Holden impression. And Simon Cowell will of course be portrayed by arch thespian Tony Blair. Tony does demand £21 million per episode but he promises us that the money will go to helping him promote peace in the Middle East, through his envoy work.

Another feature is ‘smash up a banker’, where violent criminals beat the crap out of successful bankers thus helping to cleanse broken Britain and orchestrate a fairness for all agenda. Fred Goodwin did volunteer for a beating, arguing that it was in the public’s interest for them to see his human side, but he changed his mind when he realised he woulndn’t be getting paid.

Another idea, in the light of the fact that “there is no money left” (Byrne: stupid letter) is a segment of good, old-fashioned advice on thriftiness. Features may include: ‘How to make a nutrionally balanced meal from old shoes’, ‘Walking – it’s really not that shit!’, ‘Seven in a bed doesn’t have to be rude’ and ‘Recycling – it’s tedious, time consuming but a great way to meet a partner.’ This element of the show will be hosted by the well loved, cheeky double act Stephen Byers and Alan Milburn.

On top of the ground-breaking innovations to light entertainment already planned, one lucky viewer will win the honour of spending – not just dinner – but an entire year in the company of esteemed author, Jeffery Archer.  The winning contestant will find out exactly what it’s like to cook, clean and assist the literary God in all matters. Obviously this is an incredible prize so there will be a nominal (sic) fee for contestants who phone in. Mobile rates may vary.

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  1. Haha! Brilliant, can’t wait for the first episode to air 😀

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