Political Promise

Political Promise Exclusive: Labour Leadership candidates on why they want to win

In Uncategorized on June 15, 2010 at 8:14 pm

By Dan “David” McCormick

The five contenders for the most frustrating job in Britain outline their vision for the Labour party.

Ed Balls:

The country is in turmoil. Toffee-nosed Cameron and fudge-faced Boy George are making a mess out of the fantastic work Gordon Brown did as chancellor. The way he lead with charm, wit and honesty will never be forgotten by the people of this world. But let me make one thing clear – we need a break from the past and we need to look to the future. Gordon made mistakes. The war in Iraq was a mistake and that has been my opinion since the very beginning of this leadership campaign.

Gordon may have been the fifth Beatle in most of our eyes but we have to now reassess post-Brown-Britain. I’m not going to threaten you into voting for me. I’m not going to say that if you don’t, I’ll get Charlie Whelan to pull your hair whilst Damian McBride forwards emails telling The Sun about the time you accidentally stole a can of tomato soup. I could do that, but I won’t. Unless it looks like I might lose. In which case I will.

Diane Abbott:

The support I have received from back-benchers, grass-roots activists, proper party people from all backgrounds, regardless of class, age, colour or gender, has been incredible. Admittedly, such support, while greatly welcome, might be a bit more beneficial to me if it was coming from members of my own party. But I need all the support I can get. I just don’t know why the Tories want me to win so much. Lord Ashcroft has even offered to pay for my son’s private schooling (It’s an expensive public school but with a real leftist philosophy).

I am the only genuine left-winger in the race. John McDonnell was a real contender but he made the mistake that befalls so many politicians – he called for a time machine and the assassination of Margaret Thatcher. I don’t agree with that comment but I think it is important to look at the social factors that make grown men think about time travel. I speak for the left of the party (when I actually attend parliament, which is so difficult due to my media commitments. And yes, before you ask; Andrew Neil is gorgeous in real-life too). As I say, I represent the left of the party, and women, and ethnic minorities.

It is my dream to one day become the first female Prime Minister this country has ever known, because lets face it, Margaret Thatcher was about as feminine as a shinpad, and in all honesty this country would be in a better state if she had have died in the 80’s… Damn.

David Miliband:

Let me address an issue that has been a thorn in my side for a number of years: Bananagate. If I had known that a photographer was going to be present I would never have eaten that banana. It wasn’t even a particularly tasty banana. If I remember correctly it gave me rather severe indigestion. And ever since, well; every time I walk in the cabinet office Alistair Campbell puts on a Bananarama track; every time I come up with a new bit of policy Peter Mandelson spits and tells me my idea is ‘bananas’ and everyone reaches for the banana from their packed-lunch and waves it in my direction. Yvette Cooper changed the background on my laptop to the image of a banana. Even Hilary Clinton refused to talk to me on the phone unless I introduced myself as Bananaman. Tony Blair always told me that politicians can do innumerable things in their career but will probably only get remembered for one. His, unfortunately, will be Iraq. Please, please don’t let mine be Bananagate. Make me your leader, if only to stop this fruit-based nightmare my life has become.

Ed Miliband:

I’m often compared to my brother David. We share the same affection for the Labour party, and of course, our parents too. I love him dearly; which is why I know our relationship will remain intact no matter who ends up winning. It is also why I feel, as the dawn of new politics wakes us from our governmental slumber, I must be honest: David is a fraud, a shyster, a liar and a greedy shit. That may sound harsh, but it is true. He has gone from Blairite to Blair-lite in a very short space of time (thanks to my team of writers for that one).  The problem I have observed in David from a young age is that of jealousy. He is scared of my intellect and professionalism. Not that I’m in the business of criticising him – I want to focus on my own strengths…

Another of David’s faults is that he is white, posh and Oxbridge educated. Just another Cameron or Clegg clone. Whereas I, the son of a radical Marxist theorist, offer something completely different to the country.

Andy Burnham:

I should be the leader of the Labour party for the following reasons: I am not David Miliband, I am not Ed Miliband, I am not Diane Abbott and I am not Ed Balls. That, I hope, should be enough.

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