What the Electorate Say and What They Really Mean

By Conor Campbell

Now that I have my breathe back and Capello is once more a tactical genius, I thought about having a proper look at the budget that the privileged trio brought have had no choice but to deliver. Then I realised being a student of history, albeit largely political history, my knowledge of economics is fairly limited.

However despite this disadvantage there are one or two things I have picked up through my studies. Firstly major cuts in public sector usually lead to high unemployment and secondly VAT increase is not a progressive policy. I wouldn’t mind the VAT so much if they didn’t continue to insult the public’s intelligence by calling the budget progressive. It was also pointed out that despite the new levy on banks they would be able to recoup some of those fees through the lowering of corporation taxes – see Harriet Harman does have her uses. Would it not be possible to just exclude the large banks from this and ensure their rate stays at 28%?

So as an alternative to another attack on an ideologically driven budget designed to eradicate any fears that the Conservatives may have changed, I will try my hand at the lighter side of politics. Although many critics point out that politicians mean one thing and say another, I thought instead of trying to translate what these ambiguous individuals really mean, I would instead shine the light on the electorate. I have done my fair share of canvassing for Labour and I have come across a wide range of answers when knocking on unsuspecting doors and introducing myself as a Labour Party member. So with this experience I thought I would pass on a few comments I have heard and what the electorate really mean when you talk to them:

• ‘I’m not racist, but…’ – mean’s ‘I am racist’

• ‘I just think it’s time for change’ – means ‘I am easily impressed by short slogans and big posters.

• ‘Sorry my husband makes those types of decisions in our house,’ – means ‘Feminism totally passed me by,’

• ‘I vote UKIP,’ – means ‘I miss the empire and imperialism,’

• ‘I’m fed up of all these foreigners coming over here,’ – means ‘I’m ignorant to the colonial and imperialistic past of Britain,’

• ‘I used to vote Labour, but then I started earning more and they started taxing me over 40% on it,’ – means ‘ I was happy for the state to take care of me when I needed it, but now I don’t need the help, how dare they ask me to contribute to others!’

• ‘I used to vote Labour, but they are not socialist enough anymore so I’m voting Tory,’ – means ‘I’m confused,’

• ‘I vote BNP,’ – means ‘I find my cousin sexually attractive,’

• ‘All the government does is take my money and give me nothing back!’ – means ‘school was wasted on me,’

• ‘I never vote mate,’ –  means ‘ I understand that by not voting it will mean for the next few years at least, I give up my right to moan about anything the government does,’

• Door slammed in face means ‘I’m every so sorry but I am a little busy now and unfortunately I will not be voting for your party,’

• ‘Who cares about voting?’ – Means ‘unless it X-Factor, or some talent show on TV’

Here are also a few other pointers that may come in useful:

• If you remind the people who feel a change for change sake is good, that Hilter and Mussolini were also a ‘change’ they have a tendency to become very snippy with you.

• Also pointing out the irony of an English man complaining about foreigners flocking to Britain is not a good way to win support.

• Avoid posting leaflets through the doors of homes which have dogs. They will bite regardless of your political allegiance.

• Bring an individual who speaks many, many languages. This is especially important for Labour campaigners.

• Don’t ever wear a Manchester United shirt while campaigning, at least not in Reading anyway.

• Have an attractive lady with you; we men easily are persuaded when it comes to a pretty face. However a good looking male doesn’t always have the same success with ladies. Well I didn’t anyway.

Well hopefully one of these points is helpful to someone out there. The way the budget seems to have been received they may be needed much sooner then 11th June 2015.