Political Promise

News 25: This week, just like the last

In Uncategorized on September 20, 2010 at 6:00 am

Hello there! Drew Colgate here! Welcome to News 25! The show that puts the OMG! into current affairs. In a really thoughtful and non-sensationalist way. Read the full transcript of the news show that has rocked the world!

I’d like to begin tonight’s show by ever so subtly jack-knifing the tone of transmission hitherto, by commemorating the 9 year anniversary of that historic, epochal, paradigmatically-reordering event: the day that the Labour Party leadership race began. Retrieve your jaws from the floor, unflabber your gasts, lovingly caress your smacked gobs – it really has been 9 years! Because it honestly feels like it’s just flown by – with the velocity of a hijacked passenger jet careering into a Middle Eastern-made skyscraper.
 
For the latest on the leadership marathon race, here’s our veteran Leadership Marathon Race Correspondent, Jonnie Gerrard.
 
Thanks, Drew. Day 4327: Ed Miliband, Shadow Secretary of State for Energy, Climate Change and Scaremongering, pledges to continue shirking the insignificant detail of GDP-to-the-power-GDP national debt by courageously vowing to deliver the £7 living wage, record re-investment into our insufficiently bloated public services, and according to one unsubstantiated report, he might even have promised the world too. However, as a responsible broadcast journalist, I’m not prepared to confirm that last one; I’m merely going to tell you all about it on national television while it remains unsourced, baseless gossip. 
 
And get ready to retrieve those jaws etc. all over again: the new Labour uber-Fuhrer’s crowned in just 2 weeks – this epic/exhibition will all be over in less than a fortnight!
 
No! Don’t go! Brothers Miliband, Messrs Balls and Burnham, and that oh so plucky West Indian mother – what box office you’ve all been! You’re living, breathing, artificially smiling proof of the value of the X-Factorisation of political discourse that’s been so bravely pioneered here at News 25. We’ve always maintained that politics can be sexed up without it costing hundreds of thousands of lives. This is Jonnie Gerrard, signing off from Central Lobby.
 
Thanks, Jonnie. And now for News 25 Masked and Undercover – hard-hitting, cutting-edge investigative journalism at its most hard-hitting and cutting-edge. This week, we expose the big lie behind The Big Society. Viewers are warned that the following report contains not a shred of self-righteousness and/or hypocrisy. To protect the anonymity of our masked undercover reporter, he will be known only as Agent Provocateur.
The vultures are out! And this time, they’re out for the man who used to be king of the vultures, the man who adorned our culture with stories about ‘bonking Boris’, ‘2-inch Prescott’, and ’Oaten, the Limp Dem and the renter’ – but all in the public interest, you understand. Good evening from a dark, ambient, undisclosed London location. I’m Agent Provocateur. Tonight’s exposé is all about the aforementioned king vulture: Head of Communications at Conservative Party HQ, Andy Coulson. All week, Andy’s been competing for headlines with the ceaselessly captivating Labour leadership election; and tonight, that competition gets serious – News 25 serious.
 
This week, the enormity of Coulson-gate was laid bare: it transpires that the journalistic technique known in Fleet Street circles as ‘illegal phone tapping’ was endemic at The News Of The World during Coulson’s Editorship. ‘Everyone in the office new about it’, whispers one former employee, now unemployed and angry, and desperate for a means to kick-start his career. ‘It was called Operation Celebrity Surveillance. We hacked into the phones of over 200 celebs.’
 
Here at News 25, we’ve conducted our very own Operation Celebrity Surveillance: that’s right, we’ve bugged the cell phone of none other than Coulson himself. Tonight, we reveal the secret conversation between Coulson and Prime Minister David Cameron – a conversation that exposes the big lie behind The Big Society:
DC: Andy, how are you coping?
AC: Dave, I think that I’m going to have to resign. This phone tapping scandal, it’s making us look bad. I think that I should do an Aitkin and fall on my simple sword of truth. That way, I could be back on the payroll in 18 months.
DC: No! If you go, who’s going to sell my Big Society idea to a disinterested public? Without you, the concept of social responsibility’s lost on 21st century Britain.
AC: Dave, I’m the former Editor of The News Of The World – what do I know about social responsibility? Is it not a trifle hypocritical to preach to the people about the public good and their socio-moral obligations when I used to work for a newspaper that perfectly encapsulates all that’s crap about our selfish, greedy, celebrity-/fame-/money-obsessed society?
DC: I suppose, but we need a good PR man to sell it.
AC: Okay, you’ve twisted my arm. But only ‘cause I recognise that this act of shameless duplicity’s necessary to get the so very important Big Society message across.
DC: Thanks, Andy. Fancy a drink later?
AC: Great idea! Spearmint Rhino?
DC: No! Such a sleazy, despicable hovel! Let’s make it Stringfellow’s instead – now that’s a class joint. And apparently Pete’s considering donating to the party, so it’ll be a good networking opportunity.
AC: That’s right, we can nail several birds with one stone . . . And if there’s enough time, we can talk about how we’re going to market this Big Society thing.
 
OMG? I think so. This is Agent Provocateur, reporting from a dark, ambient, unidentified London location. Now back to Drew.
 
Thanks for that thought-provoking feature, Agent Provocateur. More from News 25 Masked and Undercover next week.
 
Finally tonight, Wayne Rooney’s back on form, recovering his scoring talent in spectacular fashion. With the latest estimate at 7 in a bed, it seems that The Big Society’s something of a personal ambition for this Red Devil.
 
Alas! That’s all we’ve got time for tonight. I’ve been Drew Colgate, this is News 25, and it’s so much more serious than any of you will ever understand.
 
To see other episodes of News 25, follow the link: http://thecurrerball.wordpress.com/news-25/
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