Drew Colgate is back with more news that puts the sense into SENSATIONAL. Today, it’s “Gill spills milk and it’s gone everywhere!”
Hello there! Drew Colgate here, spoon-feeding you ever-breaking news in the third person. But don’t assume that I’m a wanker for speaking in the third person. Assume that I’m a wanker from my botoxed brow; my surgically-enhanced upper-lip; my ludicrously jet black bouffant, subtly accented with fluorescent blonde highlights; my t-shirt, skinny-tie, and aviator Rays ensemble; and my periodically impenetrable transatlantic enunciation.
This week, a story that’s so huge, it’s off the chain: Claire crafty butcher Balding and A A Gill at war! More from our bullet-proof vested Sexual Deviance Correspondent Carlton Knobs.
Good evening from outside the posh West London pad of Claire Balding, television star, equestrian connoisseur, and raving homosexual. Back in July, when Balding was presenting her BBC4 series ‘Britain By Bike’, journalist and critic double-A Gill penned the most disgusting newspaper review of Balding’s show in The Sunday Times. Balding objected to Gill’s richly imaginative and dangerously avant garde observation that she was a ‘dyke on a bike’. In a eureka-style epiphany ordinarily reserved for the likes of Newton and Galileo, Gill revealed to us that the word ‘bike’ rhymes with the word ‘dyke’, and thus constitutes another inspired column inch.
But Balding couldn’t find it in herself to acknowledge Gill’s literary genius, and got all gripey about his so-called ‘pejorative’ and somehow ‘offensive’ use of the word ‘dyke’. This week, the Press Complaints Commission upheld Balding’s whinge.
We tried to contact Mr Gill, but he was unable for comment. However, he did offer the olive branch with the release of the following heartfelt statement: ‘I write this paragraph with just an ordinary plastic biro, but also with profound regret at the upset that my careless conduct has caused Claire. I apologise unremittingly. I want it on the record that I now agree unconditionally with everything that Claire said. Because I’m not stupid enough to argue with a butch crinkly swindler who’s twice my bodyweight.’
Meanwhile, I asked Ms Balding if there’s any truth in the rumour that the next series of Britain By Bike will now be called Humourless, Hypersensitive Grouser On A Bike – but Claire was too busy on the campaign trail, fighting the cause of discrimination against massive lesbians in the jockeying industry. This is Carlton Knobs, reporting, and revelling in it, for News 25.
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