Political Promise

News 25: The Creator

In Uncategorized on September 28, 2010 at 11:40 am

Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate. Welcome to News 25: the show that says no can do to cant. This week, we will look at “The Creator” Steve Jobs’ latest creation.

In the news this week, it’s the latest must-have-right-now-straight-away-absolutely-immediately-like-an-overindulged-screaming-toddler gadget from Apple that everyone’s been told to talk about: the ipan. But is it any good? We sent our Apple Editor Pak Choi to meet The Creator: Apple chief exec, Steve Jobs.

Hey, gorgeous! Pak Choi here, live from Los Angeles. I’m here to sample the best coke that the Golden State has to offer, but in-between lines I’m also checking out the new offering from Apple: the ipan. And who better to talk about it than the guy who made it: Steve Jobs. Steve, what do you say to those people who claim that the ipan is just like any other toilet, only with an Apple logo on the flap?

I say to those people, sit on an ordinary toilet. Then buy an ipan for £500. Then get it installed for £200 more. Then sit on it. Then shit in it. Then clean it using our extensive range of ipan maintenance utensils. Then you’ll feel the difference. Here at Apple, we’re all about revolutionising the egestion experience. We’re taking the taboo of the toilet and all that comes with it, and transforming it into a place of leisure. Note, the armrest and footstool, ensuring that all body parts are relaxed during defecation, that no undue pressure is exerted on any limbs. No medical scientist has actually been willing to say this, but take my word for it: the ipan will increase the life expectancy of the user through its easing of dump-related anatomical stress.

Yeah. I mean, it’s obvious when you think about it, isn’t it?

Exactly, Pak. And there’s so much more. Note, the ipod porthole on the armrest, allowing the user to escape and unwind to the soundtrack of his or her ipan playlist. Just think of the possibilities: discharge faecal matter while Engelbert booms, ‘Please release me, let me go’. Just like any other toilet? I don’t think so.

But with the ipod porthole located on the armrest, doesn’t that mean that you’ll have to choose between either listening to music or using the armrest, that it’s impossible to benefit from both functions simultaneously?

What did you just say?! Did you just question My Judgement?! Did you just doubt the sanctity of My Creation?! Did you just criticise the intelligence of My Design?!

No! Steve! No! Must be the cocaine talking. In Jobs we trust . . . Moving on, I’m noticing here the specially branded ipan paper, but can you use ordinary bog roll on the ipan?

No. Absolutely not. Only our own reasonably priced paper is compatible with the ipan. Ordinary paper will block the bowl and then the user will have to . . .

Unblock it?

No, buy a new one.

Of course – what an idiot. So, News 25’s verdict? It’s only another triumph from Jobs and Apple. I’m off to snort some rails off that branded flap. This is Pak Choi, signing off from the City of Angels.

To see other episodes of News 25, follow the link: http://thecurrerball.wordpress.com/news-25/

  1. […] completely non-fictional interview with Steve Jobs about Apple’s latest creation. The affable Drew Colgate was back to his controversial […]

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