No punches pulled in Drew Colgate‘s latest episode of News 25, where he gives his take on this year’s party conference season.
Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate, the botoxed face of News 25 and Persil washing powder. This week, our Political Editor-and-Chief Chet Wilson reviews party conference season. Viewers are warned that Chet’s piece contains flash photography and images of self-indulgent politicians applauding and back-slapping and brown-nosing and loving themselves.
Chet Wilson here, reporting live from a deserted conference centre in Birmingham. Tory MPs have now fled back to Westminster Village, all anxious that they might’ve caught something had they hung about in Birmingham any longer – or as George Osborne calls it, ‘Birmingham? Where’s that? I don’t do north of Rutland.’
And it was another city north of Osborne’s parallel universe where conference season 2010 opened for business: the Lib Dems in Liverpool last month. In his impassioned keynote diktat to spectacle-stringed party diehards, Nick Clegg explained without notes or principles why he had no choice but to sacrifice it all and gleefully bound into bed to indulge in some political ooh la la with David Cameron. The Clegg defence? Something very specific about the subjective intangible of the ‘national interest’, which very conveniently excused him from talking about anything at all vague. Then he thanked the party membership, lapped up their ovation, buggered off, hopped into his ministerial motorcade to John Lennon airport, before jet-setting it to NYC to represent the government at some cocktail party organised by the UN, where he rubbed shoulders with, and licked the arse of, President Obama – much like his party delegates had done to him 18 hours before. Here at News 25, we salute Nick’s personal sacrifice.
Back in the conference hall, MPs and party members were all rather well-behaved, and nothing even remotely interesting was happening. But that wasn’t nearly controversial enough, so our Political Scandal and Twitter Correspondent Dick Robinson desperately groped around for something scoop-worthy, and uncovered an innocuous statement of fact uttered by Vince Cable about how companies in a capitalist economy strive to crush competitors and seize monopoly, and titivated it up like it was a contestant on Stars in their Eyes, and hey presto! Tonight Matthew, Cable’s on a capitalist-bashing crusade! And out of nowhere, we’ve got something to talk about for 3 days! Our narrative fashioned! Our existence validated!
The following week, News 25 journeyed north-east for Labour’s brotherly love-in. Manchester was the scene of the crime – the crime being et tu Ed’s betrayal of big brother David.
What must Ralph’s son and heir be feeling now? And to think, Ed had convinced David not to stand against Gordon Brown last year, after David’s comrade and confidant James Purnell had left the government and urged Brown to do likewise, serving up David a dagger on a platter.
Ever wondered what Ed said to his brother that night to talk David out of it? Well, tonight you can stop wondering: that’s right, News 25’s hired the specialist services of Randy Coulton, PI and phone hacker of the stars (note, any resemblance of name to any other public figure exonerated of phone hacking allegations is entirely non-coincidental). So here’s the explosive transcript of 2 Milibands in conversation and at war:
David: Ed, I think I’m going to run against Gordon . . .
EDM, aka brotherly back-stabbing bastard: No! David, don’t do it! You’re time will come, brother of mine. Just hold on ‘til after the election. Who’s going to stand in your way then? Remember: he who wields the dagger, never wears the crown. You’ve got to trust me.’
Thanks for that piece of courageous investigative journalism, Randy.
Back in the conference hall, Ed talked about the ‘new generation’, discrediting the ‘old politics’ that killed New Labour at the last election, but forgetting to mention that he authored New Labour’s manifesto at that last election.
After noticing that EDM’s left eyeball’s bigger than his right, I asked one Labour delegate why she had voted for Ed. ‘Because he’s the more telegenic Miliband’, she told me.
Here in Birmingham, the Tories arrived on Sunday smug, but left on Wednesday crestfallen. That’s because David Cameron’s choreographed collective back-slap was elbowed out of the spotlight by one big Eton Mess: George Osborne’s new policy to deny child tax credits for a single parent family earning one penny over £44,000, but preserve the same benefit for a 2-parent family with combined income of up to £88,000.
‘What?! What moron came up with that shit idea?!’, said Tory backbenchers.
‘George Osborne’s announcement’s so nonsensical and unfair that it can’t possibly be a proper announcement of policy intention, rather it must be a pre-announcement, a pre-cursor to consultation and review before our final policy announcement, which will be made somewhere in the middle of our 5 year plan, which will become a 10 year plan shortly before the next election’, stammered Tory Minister for something-or-other Tim Loughton, dying on his arse live on Channel4 News
Not even our Prime Minister’s broken record about The Big Society was able to reverse this tide of gaffe, blunder and flip flop. You know, it’s hard to believe that in a culture that’s so selfish, greedy, hedonistic, and money-/fame-/celebrity-obsessed that Cameron’s message of social responsibility isn’t getting through. I wonder why? We’ll get Randy Coulton on the case for next week.
But that’s your lot for conference season 2010. These self-indulgent epics/exhibitions are finally over, and our altruistic public servants can now get on with the matter of the national interest. This is Chet Wilson, reporting live from Birmingham. Back to Drew in the southern comfort of the News 25 London studio.
Thanks, Chet. Now time for the ads, including one from Persil, Britain’s premier washing powder. Here at News 25, we want nothing to do with dirty laundry. See you in 3.