Political Promise

News 25: Another Footballer Does Something He Shouldn’t

In Uncategorized on October 18, 2010 at 8:00 am

Drew Colgate reports his award-winning news broadcast. Today’s topic: Another bad week for our Premier League role models.

Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate, the nipped-tucked face of News 25, Persil washing powder, and Gillette Beast17 – because last season’s 16-blade razor that we couldn’t stop screaming and shouting about’s now so embarrassingly analogue that it’s be scientifically proven to be inimical to your happiness. 16 blades can go and get lost. And don’t dare think about not upgrading to our new shiny 17-blade model or you can forget about any beautiful dame narcissistically draping herself over you opposite your bathroom mirror, suggestively stroking your stupid face ever again. More on that story later. But first up, we’ve got some more ever-breaking news for you.
Hold on to yourself Bartlett: according to unconfirmed tit-bits transmitting through my earpiece, a Premier League footballer is rumoured not to be indulging in any seedy adulterous acts with £2000-a-go pros. Our source even claims that the unnamed footballer, believed to play for Manchester United, believed to have red hair, believed to be Paul Scholes, has neither ever texted kinky snaps of his roused ginger haired hot bod to any ladies of the night, nor has he ever spanked the derrière of any call girl with such sexually-charged heartiness that it indented the design of his 24-carrot-encrusted wedding band on the buttock of the conquest.
This shocking narrative’s advancing rapidly, so without further ado, or a crumb of self-awareness, let’s get more from our resident Sports Psychoanalyst Dr Kai Knobs.
Thanks, Drew. I’m standing outside Old Trafford, theatre of dreams, and home of red devils. But tonight, there’s something in the air, that unmistakable atmos of hush, foreboding, and scandal – it all suggests that today’s rumours, improbable as easy listening dubstep though they are, are definitely true. And let’s now repeat that rumour again for those who’ve just joined us: an unnamed footballer, thought to be Manchester United’s legendary midfielder Paul Scholes, is alleged not to be engaged in serial infidelity with borderline underagers. 
We contacted Scholes for comment, but the infamously private star was characteristically tight-lipped. However, we managed to speak to Scholes’ less private, more brazen co-worker Rio Ferdinand. ‘Nothing surprises me in football these days’, cogitated Ferdinand. ‘Managers sacked after 2 weeks on the job; clubs owned by bent Taiwanese Prime Ministers; Sol Campbell to Notts County; and now today’s bombshell. But let me tell you something: we’ve got a great spirit in that dressing room. Scholesy’s revelation wasn’t something that we were expecting, but we’ll get through this and come out stronger together. That’s why I’m going out with the lads tonight for some Tiger beers and team bonding at Diamond Dolls, Manchester’s premier Asian-style gentlemen’s establishment.’
But despite Rio’s reassurances, United supporters will surely now be asking if it’s Scholes-gate that’s behind their team’s stuttering start to the new season. After all, how could behaviour that’s so deviant within the Premier League community not rupture dressing room morale? How could Scholes commit to the wife and kids like this and not ruffle the feathers of fellow United stars who see women as commodified objects to be bought, enslaved for a night, then paid off, and perhaps later superinjunctioned? This is Dr Kai Knobs, spoon-feeding you food for thought live from Old Trafford.
Thanks, KK. We want do know what you think of the smears against Scholes. At News 25, we genuinely value your contributions; they’re not simply a sneaky trick to fill air time when there’s no news to tell you about. Because our news is forever ever-breaking. ‘Forever ever, forever ever, forever ever?’, asks Andre 3000 via Twitter. Yes, Andre! When News 25 says something, we mean it! Now, get yourself a Gillette Beast17 and do something with your ludicrous facial hair.
To see other episodes of News 25, follow the link: http://thecurrerball.wordpress.com/news-25/

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