News 25 BREAKING: George Bush Gets WaterboardedIn Uncategorized on November 15, 2010 at 9:44 am
Drew Colgate brings an exclusive breaking news flash! Exclusive! Breaking news! Bush gets waterboarded!
Hello there! I’m Drew Colgate, the perma-tanned face of fearless broadcast journalism. Tonight, our self-righteous . . . I mean, righteous quest for the truth gets evermore serious.
This week, George W Bush published Decision Points, the book Bush himself instructively calls ‘my own autobiography’. Earlier today, I brunched with the former White House resident. Over waffles and skinny lattes, we talked fully and frankly about politics, power, and golf. And just because it’s all good-natured banter, the ex-Pres was delighted to comply with our courageous request that he be waterboarded.
While being subjected to playful hydro-asphyxiation, punctuated by toe tickling with the aforementioned waffles, Bush was refreshingly candid about his life and times and state secrets. During our 20 minute casual chat, the former Commander and Chief revealed the following hitherto known unknowns and unknown unknowns:
1. That he is indeed the worst President in history.
‘Yes! Sign me up for that! And not only the worst President in the history of America, but of any country that ever was, including those rogue states belonging to the axis of evil. I admit the deed! Tear up the planks!’
2. That American’s mission in Iraq isn’t quite yet accomplished.
‘Yes! Why! Of course! It was plain stupid of me to proclaim ‘mission accomplished’ back in ‘03. I’d hold my hands up right now if they weren’t bound behind my back.’
3. That 9/11 was indeed a conspiracy.
‘I confess! Yes! Big Don Rumsfeld accidentally pressed the wrong button to missile the Pentagon. But it was an honest mistake: he had actually meant to take out a gay Latino illegally hurdling the border.’
4. That there were indeed aliens at Roswell.
‘Trust me! I know because I was abducted by one while out on a bender one night at Harvard.’
I think that those revelations demonstrate that vis-à-vis simulated torture AKA waterboarding, the end justifies the means. And yet, no matter how much water we boarded, we couldn’t ease an answer from Bush about how somebody of such limited intellectual capacity and knowledge of sentence structure could one morning awake and find himself the most powerful man on earth – all we got was befuddled silence from our otherwise obliging witness.